Top 10 Weirdest States in The United States of America

Let’s face it.  We live in a weird country.  Possibly the weirdest country on Earth.  Our residents come from all corners of the globe, all bringing unique cultures.  There is a huge variety in landscape ranging from tropical, to desert, to tundra. I combined personal experiences in  states I have visited, with general knowledge of ones I haven’t and compiled a list of what I believe to be the strangest states in the USA.

10.) Florida

Florida is the number one place to retire to in America. This leads to a huge population of citizens over the age of 60.  Add various Latin Americans and crazy Southerners. Blend it a dozen times each year with hurricanes and you have an interesting concoction.

The local economy is fueled by drug money and the most elaborate amusement parks in the world.  It makes for some very hyper kids!

raise your hand if you want to do a line!

The tip of Florida is a ginormous dungeon full of crocodiles and alligators called the Everglades.  Criminals are dropped off there alone instead of traditional jailing.

did I mention it looks like a giant wang?

9.) Iowa

What’s the deal with Iowa? This is the real weirdo of the bunch.  The one you least expected.  Iowa is like the quiet guy at work that cracks and goes on a killing rampage.  It’s boxed in by a cubicle of boring states like Nebraska, Minnesota, South Dakota, and Kansas.  These guys have no professional sports teams, no terrain, or any means of fun.  Besides John Wayne and a shit load of corn they don’t have much as far as exports, so what are they keeping bottled up inside?

Lared Jeto in the role of Iowa in “America: the Musical”

Time Magazine has national polls and more times than not Iowa differs from national opinion.

Watch out for this state. One of these days it’ll snap, take Minnesota hostage and head for Canada.

8.) New Mexico

Have you ever seen the movie the Hills Have Eyes?  That’s normal daily life in New Mexico where there is very little natural food and water.  Citizens deformed by nuclear testing prey upon ill-fated travelers who scour the mountains for treasure and nice hikes.

New Mexico is also known for it’s drunk driving extra terrestrials who splatter violently into rocky hillsides. Unaccustomed to Earths atmosphere they die quickly before they can share their other worldly secrets.  Witnesses to these events, usually Native Americans, are pumped full of hallucinogens by the government so the public believes them to be personal delusions, man.

The name ‘New Mexico’ is very inviting to someone who lives in Old Mexico.  Many old mexicans cross over seeking new opportunities and instead get hunted down by men named Dog.

7.) Texas

Texas is on this list because it paid me 30,000 dollars in tax dollars to put it on a list ahead of Alaska, which it hates.  It also hates Oklahoma, Mexico, Russia, Iran, Europe in general, gays, liberals, cartoon characters, diet cola, and Billy Crystal.

They say everything is bigger in Texas. This mostly applies to food, but also to trucks! Texas likes Trucks!

A giant truck crashes down on a car full of Mexican Immigrants to the delight of fans

Texas is one of the few states that still has the death penalty, and if one so chooses can be put to death via electric chair.  Other options include: Impalation by Long Horn, Chainsaw Dismemberment or you can choose to be choke-slammed to death.

This place let George W. Bush be governor.  Who would let that guy run public office?

6.) Alaska

Alaska and Hawaii are both equally weird due to their separation from the rest of the states. It’s certainly weirder to live on frozen tundra than it is to live in a tropical paradise, but the threat of danger in Hawaii makes it slightly weirder.  If Alaska were inhabited by Hawaiians it would have a much longer name…

Alaska is HUGE.  Almost the size of the East Coast.  Almost as big as Europe!  Almost as big as your mom!  Sorry that was easy.  Especially if your mom is from Alaska.

During the winter months the sun can be gone for several months which leads to depression, suicide, and Vitamin D deficiencies.

Not to turn this thing political but come on!

Alaska also gets weird points for being so close to Russia, which is one of the few other contenders for weirdest nation.  Polar bears, avalanches, and mailmen that travel by dogsled are all things you won’t find at this next weird state.

5.) Hawaii

It’s a state built on a giant volcano.  If that’s not asking for death by fiery inferno then applying hairspray in an oven is.

It’s inhabitants include locals and sex hungry honeymooners looking for exotic places to bang.  Due to it’s distance from the rest of the USA it has a completely different climate staying warm and sunny all year long. Couples can enjoy steamy sexual sessions even in the darkest of the winter months.

Hawaii’s biggest secret is that it’s home of the World’s Tallest Mountain. Mauna Kea rises out of the water like an exceptionally long dump.  To climb up the majority of the worlds tallest mountain one just has to swim in Hawaii.

Mauna Kea is the worlds largest stool specimen!

Hawaii is also famous for being the home of the most unique US President as far as skin color goes.  He is certainly not as weird as other presidents like FDR who chose to sit all day.

4.) Ohio

Is it on the East Coast? Is it part of the Mid-West? This unique region of the USA is known as the Middle East.  The past 30 years has been site of much weirdness after companies moved factories from Ohio to China.

Every guest that has ever been on Maury, Jerry Springer, or other day time talk show comes from Ohio.  The tooth fairy who works nights around the world works a day shift at the Denny’s in Dayton.

Like it’s neighbor state Pennsylvania, Ohio has a large population of Amish and Mennonite.  Similar to cockroaches they are resistant to nuclear fall-out, and will live on in the case of all out war.

Harmony Korine grew up in Xenia, Ohio and wrote/directed a movie about it called Gummo.  If you haven’t seen this movie go to the abandoned building that used to be a Blockbuster and find something to inhale.

3.) West Virginia

Crazy younger brother of the very respectable state of Virginia. The majority of it is in the Appalachian Mountains.  West Virginia has some of the same types of people as Ohio, only these people live in the mountains.  They don’t come out to see the lights of the Maury set.

Their lives are terrorized by a monster known as Moth Man.  He has never killed or injured anyone but he has been known to dry hump car headlights.

One local says: “The whole place is a post-apocalyptic wasteland without law or literacy, but the food is great!”  Like 17 other states in the United States bestiality is legal.  It makes for some really dynamic couples!

If you google ‘people from west virginia’ this is the first image that comes up.

Not much else is known about West Virginia, which is also pretty weird.  We’re all hoping one day they’ll get computers and video cameras and share their weirdness with the world.

This next state is the only one on this list where bestiality is illegal.

2.) California

The Governer of California is a robotic humanoid from the future.  He was sent by James Cameron so he would legalize marijuana, said to have the effect of making Avatar watchable.

Los Angeles the cultural center of the country, and other parts of the world.  Making it a magnet for odd folk from everywhere.  They come with dreams of silver screen successes, and end up wearing discarded dresses selling their holes on street corners.  The temperate climate attracts drifters from all over who would rather bum it on the beaches of Santa Monica than the cold streets of the North East.

Travel is especially hard in Los Angeles because parking is legal in oncoming lanes of the interstate.  Air quality however is excellent due to environmentally friendly vehicles and the annual torching of the forests.

California.  The state where you can drive through trees and smoke them if you have a license to do so.

1.) New Jersey

I am new in this hunt for the weirdest state.  There are others who have quested long and hard that have come to the conclusion that New Jersey is mayo of the chocolate cake.  The creators of Weird New Jersey collect letters from all across America cataloging odd points of interest.  Weird roadside attractions, haunted houses, midget towns.  The highest concentration of these places is in New Jersey.

The state motto of New Jersey is “The Garden State”, because it is the “Garden of Eden.”  Millions of years ago when Pangea was still producing records, New Jersey was right in the center.  The place where Gosh himself pooped.

As America grew as a nation millions of immigrants arrived by boat in New York City.  After years and years of boat and boat load full of foreigner came the city decided to flush the weirdness down the Hudson to make New York a somewhat habitable place.  The weirdos found themselves in Jersey where they formed their own towns, and families.

The weirdness makes for some great television!  Aqua Teen Hunger force is a semi-autobiographical cartoon about the life of New Jerseyan Buzz Aldrin.  Another of the many shows on television about the state is the MTV ‘hit’ The Jersey Shore. It focuses around a group of adolescent cows being prepped to be turned into leather jackets.

So that’s your winner New Jersey!  If you try to argue with me that the order is wrong or I’m missing states then you are weird.

Honorable mentions include Utah, Michigan, the rest of the South East, and every state that starts with B.

2 thoughts on Top 10 Weirdest States in The United States of America

  1. Thanks for calling Virginia respectable. Although the part I’m from unfortunately has more in common with West Virginia. Oh well. Weird isn’t always a bad thing.

  2. That homeless guy seems like a good time.

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